Despair
by Wolvertique
Summary: If Mystique fell into a deep depression after Rogue left for the X-Men, this story might come to pass...Edited, minor changes only
1. Beginning

Author's Note: Updated and edited for consistency. My "second chapter" in my Mystique saga, Where I Belong, ended up changing some minor things in this story, mainly the way Mystique uses language.

FYI, if you like this story, thank Randy Newman and "Toy Story 2" for it. It's inspired by the song "When She Loved Me" from that movie...mixed with the comic where Mystique was infiltrating the X-mansion to get Rogue back after she left for the first time. It came to me while I was driving to work one day.

Rogue left me.

I did not expect this. I knew her power was spiraling out of control, but I did not know how much pain she was in. I did not think she would become my enemy…my girl. My daughter. The only child I had that ever loved me.

The world turned gray. Not much mattered to me any more. Destiny tried to keep things going, getting the occasional job for us to do, and I would try halfheartedly to do my part. But it was not working. Time passed, and things mattered less and less to me. Why bother doing anything, when everything I care for dies or leaves me? I destroy everything. Nothing lasts. 

I withdrew from everything. The brotherhood disbanded. I did not care. I tried to, once, to see if I could. Mild curiosity was satisfied when I found that I could not. Then I returned to staring at the wall and brooding. I could no longer cry.

After some time, Destiny told me we were going to do an easy job. I waved my hand and told her she could do as she liked, but that I would have nothing to do with it. This time, though, she did not back down. She pushed me and pushed me until I agreed to do it as well, just to shut her up and get her to leave me alone. She called together some of our old Brotherhood and said it was a simple and quick assassination. Pyro and the others would set up a distraction so that I could take down a corrupt city alderman, a real sleaze of a person. The pay was right, and I found myself taking some slight interest in the job. I prepared with a little of my former zeal for the work.

Of course, things are never what they seem. The alderman was not where our employer said he would be. The X-men were there instead. We had been betrayed again. I half welcomed it. Maybe this time, we were dangerous enough that the "do not kill" rule of the X-men would not apply…maybe.

I used two of the four bullets I had left in my gun to good effect, destroying Cyclops' visor and taking Storm's right leg out from under her, but I could see it was no use. Already most of the others had been subdued. Only Destiny and I were free, and she would not be for much longer. I hesitated, but then I ran. I did not want to risk capture.

Strong hands picked me up by my shoulders, and my daughter's familiar voice said, "Mother, don't make me hurt you." I shuddered and decided to try a dangerous bluff. I shifted enough to put my gun muzzle against my daughter's right side. Her hands clenched on my shoulders. I was about to speak when a loud noise to my left startled me. I reflexively pulled the trigger, Rogue dropped me and screamed, and another familiar voice cried, "Nein!"

Of course, I thought darkly as I fell. Who else should destroy Mystique but her son? Why not make her fall, as she did to him. It is the perfect revenge. I appreciate revenge.

Nightcrawler took Rogue and teleported away, and came back as I landed. I broke my left ankle in the landing. He kept me from further injury, though, by catching my arms and keeping me from falling to the pavement. I tried to shift some to heal, but I was so weak that I could not. He looked at me with … pity? He let go of me and cocked his head. "Mein Gott, you are so thin…" he whispered.

I would not be pitied. I swayed and leveled my gun at him, hands trembling, and tried to keep from falling.

He shook his head and used one hand to steady me. "Please give up, Mystique. You cannot hope to win." He made no attempt to disarm me. He just looked at me with sorrow. He had his father's cheekbones.

I had a clear shot. I could not take it. I could not even kill him when Arcade made a facsimile of him…how could I kill the real thing? My generous, impulsive boy. So I took the only action I could, the only one where Mystique could remain free. I put the gun under my own chin and said, "Goodbye, Kurt."

I started to fall as he teleported away. The gun fell from my hand and disappeared before I could do more than extend my hands to brace for impact with the ground. He caught me from behind and whispered in my ear, "Guten nacht," before he knocked me out.


	2. Awakening

The first time I woke up, I was in a daze. I did not know where I was and I tried to sit up. The effort threw me back into near-unconsciousness. Voices I knew were talking, rising up out of the water that was drowning me.

"… do so much in her state of malnutrition."

"I know. I was surprised … these past few months."

"How could you have …?"

"There. The I.V. is in. Now, I'll have to ask you to leave my patient alone, meine freunde."

I let the voices go away and dropped deep into darkness.

I awoke again, but kept my eyes shut. I heard no one. I felt bonds on my wrists and started shifting to slip free, but could not. I tried again and failed.

I opened my left eye slightly. I was in a dimly lit room, and apparently alone. I opened both my eyes fully. It was not a standard hospital room. The metal bonds themselves showed that. I pushed to find out what was keeping me from shifting. I could not localize what it was.

Jean Grey came into the room and took one of my wrists. "How are you feeling?" she asked, looking at her watch.

I stared at her. "I might feel better if I could shift to heal my body."

She shook her head. "It would waste resources you need for healing your injuries. You have a sprained shoulder, a broken ankle, a few cracked ribs, and contusions from here to kingdom come. You're malnourished, you have a kidney infection on top of your anemia, you're feverish, and you barely survived as it is. You're not shifting any time soon."

I closed my eyes and ignored her. She shuffled around and touched my right arm. Wet, cold…probably a blood draw. I let her take it. The pain helped me feel alive, rather than the living corpse I'd been for months.

"I hear my patient is awake." I screwed my eyes shut. Of course, it had to be my son who was my doctor. How fitting. "Unless I was mistaken."

Jean removed the needle from my arm. "No, Kurt. She's awake. I can feel it without even trying to read her."

I opened my eyes. Kurt was watching as Jean labeled the vial of blood she took from me. He came over to me and looked at my eyes. "Feeling better now?"

"In some ways." His gaze traveled up and down my body.

"Good. We will have to keep your I.V. in for your medicines and vitamin supplements, but we should be able to give you some food soon. Are you hungry?"

I laughed. I was always hungry. I had just learned to ignore it, along with everything else. I looked down at my wretchedly thin arms and pulled at the cuffs a little. "What do you think?"

"I think perhaps you and I should talk." Jean took the vial of blood and passed a syringe to Kurt, then left the room. He slowly injected the contents into my I.V. while he talked. "Ja, I think you know Destiny has been very worried about you."

I frowned. "Destiny? What has she to do with anything?"

"Much." He finished and withdrew the needle. "She set us all up that day. She called us and said the Brotherhood was trying to steal public records so you could take mutants from their families and expand your ranks by raising your own replacements. She said we had to stop you, that you were crazy."

Destiny? But Destiny would never betray me...

"So we came there, ja, and we all fought. She confessed what she had done once we had her." He sighed.

How could she? How dare she!

"Now, I think you need to tell me some things." He leaned over my bed and looked into my eyes. "What relationship do you have to me?"

I shuddered. Of course. The boy had not done what I told him to, and asked Margali. So I had to be the one to tell him. Fine. I would confess my guilt, and he would destroy me. I said, with a touch of my usual confidence, "I am your mother."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Are you," he said quietly.

"Yes." I was not going to offer more.

Kurt blinked. "So what happened?"

He would have to ask. I could tell him, but he would reject me. So I drew what remained of my tattered pride around me, and rejected him first. "I threw you away. I did not want you any more." I turned my head to keep the tears from leaking out. "Now, go."

Silence. No movement, no sound. I refused to look at my beloved son. I would not appear weak before him. He said, finally, "I do not believe you."

A tear leaked out of my left eye. I would not crack. I would not let him see my bleeding soul. Why could not he just get angry, why could not he punish me? I was evil for throwing my baby away. Could not he see that? The tears fell faster from my closed eyes, but I would not look at him.

A gentle hand touched my face. "In time, perhaps, we can talk again. Meanwhile, rest." He walked to the door. As he opened it, a body burst through it and called, "Mama? I'm here...what did you do to her?"

I could not help but laugh through my tears. My little Rogue was still alive, and still loved me, to turn on her new friends this way. Before Kurt could reply, Rogue was at my side, releasing my right wrist and hugging me tight. I held her and struggled to hold my tears back.

Kurt said gently, "I will go now. Don't stay too long, Rogue. She is tired." He closed the door, and I cried myself out in my daughter's arms.

"Now. What did he do to you?" She still cared for me. I did not expect that. "And why the hell didn't you come to me if you needed help? Damn it, Mystique, I thought you understood that we're still family!"

Ah. The anger in my baby's voice helped me recover more than anything else. I responded to it eagerly. "I could not. I felt you had rejected me, that you did not want me any more."

She snorted. "You sound like a jilted lover. Family isn't like that."

I sighed. "Mine was. So was yours."

She stilled and watched me. "Tell me about yours. Go on."

I smiled a little, remembering how she used to prompt me when I told her bedtime stories. "Once my parents knew what I could do, they threw me out. My grandmother tried to help, but she got sick. My ... one of the few people I ever cared for, he also could not handle me being who I was, or..." I broke off. I was not sure I could tell Rogue anything about that time, when I loved Count Wilhelm Wagner.

"And he was?" My Rogue was nothing if not persistent, though sometimes I could wish otherwise. I gave up. She was stronger than I, and seeing our last parting and its harshness...I had to make it up to her.

"He was...a good man, but weak. He could not accept me or our child, when I could not hide any more what I was. He just left me and..."

"Victor Creed?" Rogue looked puzzled. "He musta been real different when you knew him, mama...and what happened to Graydon?"

I frowned. Did she not know? "Not Victor Creed, child. Count Wagner."

Rogue sat back, a stunned look on her face. "You gotta be kiddin' me. Kurt?" I nodded. "All right, Mystique. Give it all up. Oh - got any other kids out there I don't know about?"

"No," I said cautiously. I did not want to try to make things up, though I wished I could to delay Rogue finding out...

"So what happened?"

The 'throwing away' story probably would not work on Rogue. She knew me too well. I sighed. "I transformed to my real form while giving birth to him. His father could not handle the change in me and he could not handle his son looking like he did. The midwife ran off and stirred up the townspeople. I only had a few hours with Kurt and had to spend most of those cleaning him off and getting him fed. They came with weapons. I did my best to get away, but there was no way I could with him. So I threw him over a waterfall." I hoped she would let it go at that.

She cocked her head. "And how did that make you _feel_, Mama?"

I shook my head slowly. Tears came too easily today. With the awful tickle of tears running down my face again, I whispered, "I have never forgiven myself for that. I should have died rather than try to hurt my baby."

"Oh, mama..." She held me as I cried again. The door opened.

"Rogue, you should go now." My boy, coming back to check on his evil mother. I sobbed. "This is bad. I will have to administer a sedative."

Rogue pulled away from me reluctantly. "I'll come back as soon as I can, mama. I won't leave you. Believe me." She walked out as Kurt injected my freed arm.

The world started fading away, and my sobs turned to sniffles, as my golden-eyed son sat quietly with me. "Is it true?" he asked suddenly. "What you told Rogue, I mean."

My mouth went dry. "You listened...you should not have...why did you..."

He closed his eyes and nodded, then smiled at me. "It is true," he stated. I nodded as he blurred before my eyes.

As I finally slipped into oblivion, he touched my hand and murmured, "Mother."


	3. Relaxing

Author's Note: Thanks to Lauren Wagner for inspiration of this chapter and parts of chapter 9!

I was dancing, my partner's head close to mine. He whispered in my ear, "A blender?"   
  
"That is what it is commonly called." My son's voice answered him. Hmm? This did not make any sense.   
  
"Why are you giving me a blender?" I snorted and woke up. The speaker above my head was now playing the sound of running water.   
  
"Because Mystique will be waking up soon, and we need to get something...into...her..." Kurt's voice broke off into laughter.   
  
"And why are you laughing?" A chair scraped across the floor.   
  
Kurt gasped out, "You're not exactly...the domestic...type!"   
  
Wolverine sighed. Something thumped, probably onto the counter, and the refrigerator door closed. "You think I've lived this long and didn't learn how to cook, even in self-defense? Pretty naive, fuzzy." More thumping.   
  
Kurt regained control. "So, can you do it? Please?"   
  
Pause. "I don't know. You think it's worth the effort, doin' all this for our enemy?"   
  
"Rogue was our enemy once. You were the only one to give her a chance, ja? And she came through for us." The chair scraped across the floor again. "Besides..."   
  
The blender screamed.   
  
"...my mother," Kurt finished, as the sound died down.   
  
"Not much of one." Scraping, stirring, then some plops as some things were thrown into the blender. "After all, kid..."   
  
The blender again obscured what he was saying.   
  
"I know," Kurt replied. "But I do trust Rogue and Destiny, especially after the professor checked her out. Didn't you feel anything, seeing her, when we brought her in?"   
  
Pour, thump. Thud. "Yup. Damned lucky."   
  
Pause.   
  
"All right. I'm not a monster. I don't like seeing anyone like that. But this is Mystique we're talking about." Thump.   
  
Light footsteps, tapping onto the floor, brisk and busy. "Hi, Wolvie! Hi, Kurt," a young female voice cheerily said. I barely contained myself. The big, bad Wolverine...was known as _Wolvie_?   
  
"Hello." "Hey, kid."   
  
Thump, thump. Tinkle, chink, thump.   
  
"Gonna leave some ice cream for us?" teased Wolverine.   
  
"Nah. I plan on making a really BIG sundae." The cheery voice continued, "Do you think I have enough syrup on it, yet?"   
  
"To drown Austria? Certainly." Kurt sounded more relaxed than before, but still tired.   
  
"Well, gotta go." Tap tap tap...thud...crash... "Oh, NO...."   
  
"Don't worry, my lady! I will save you!" Kurt must watch too many bad movies.   
  
Thud.   
  
"Not into the syrup!" She giggled frantically, and Wolverine let out a "Ha!"   
  
"...Oh, Kurt, you'll never get that out of your fur now..." The girl was calming down now.   
  
"The elf's washable, Jubes. Come on, 'savior,' let's get you cleaned up for your patient."   
  
The sounds all died away. At last I could let my laughter loose, and I did. I howled. Kurt diving into a sundae, Wolverine with an apron...these people were crazy.   
  
It felt good to laugh again.


	4. Bleeding

I was wiping my eyes and still giggling a little when I heard someone walking to my door. It opened and Wolverine walked in. I burst into laughter again. I could not help it.He was surprised, but put the cup he was holding down on a tray by my bed. He took my right arm and restrained it again, snapping the large cuff into place. That sobered me up some. I gasped and then asked, "Is this necessary?"

He looked at me. "You're Mystique."

I tried to hold it in. I really did. But I could not. "And you are … Wolvie." I snorted, then gave up the effort and started laughing again.

The look of confusion gave way to understanding and he shook his head. "I should never have let Kurt take the monitor in there, should I? Come on. I got something for you to drink here."

I kept laughing. I was not quite sure why, as I was no longer amused, but my body kept shaking, my stomach started to ache from the prolonged movement, and the laughter kept coming. I did become worried, though, and Wolverine noticed something wrong.

He bent down fast and snarled into my face, "Stop it! NOW!"

I choked, gasped, but finally stopped the hysterical giggles that were wracking my body. My arms ached, my head hurt, my body was hot, and my stomach radiated hot pain through my entire abdomen. I gulped down air eagerly.

He touched my forehead. His hand was cold and I flinched away from it. "Damn it." He released my right arm from the restraint and propped me up with pillows. My head was flying away from my body. He shoved the freezing cup into my hand, adjusted the straw, put it in my mouth, and growled, "Drink."

The stuff was so cold, I could barely force myself to swallow, but I had to. I knew he would force it on me otherwise. He was always so mean…so uncaring…he hated me. I started crying as he spoke into the intercom, calling for Jean to come. I was in a place where they hated me, and my children hated me, and Rogue did not come to see me other than one time, and …

The tears were warm, and Wolverine noticed them as he turned back to me. He took the cup from me and started pulling the pillows out from behind me, his arm behind my back for support. "Wolverine?" I sobbed.

He did not stop working, but said quietly, "Yeah?"

"You hate me. Why are you doing this? Can you not just kill me?" He froze for a moment, then laid me back on the bed and put a cold cloth on my forehead. He took my chin in his cold hand and looked right into my streaming eyes.

"You're usually my enemy. You're kinda supposed to dislike enemies, you know." He paused. "Kurt asked me to do it, and so did Rogue, so he could get some rest. And I can't just kill you."

I blinked, tears flowing unchecked. "Why? Is that not one of the reasons for your constant conflict with Cyclops?"

He released my chin and turned the cloth over. The cold was awful, burning into my head, and I wriggled as he put it on. He put another one on my eyes, which burned and prickled with tears. "Yeah. But I don't kill people who are helpless and sick." His voice trembled a little.

"Did you get a temperature, Logan?" Jean ran through the door and another cold hand touched my cheek. I kept crying.

"Nope. By touching her, I could tell she needed to have it brought down, though. She was acting like some guys did in the war when they got sick." His voice was steady now, and one of them (probably Jean) stuck a thermometer under my tongue.

"I think you're right," she said distantly. It was hard to hear her.

I floated away from the bed. I was glad. I floated up into warm darkness again, where no one hated me...what was that? A lion stalking me…Creed was after me, angry…NO!


	5. Interlude

"Hold her DOWN! The ice will do no good if she fights her way out of it again!" Dr. Grey shouted at Rogue.

"I was just worried I'd hurt her." Rogue took a tighter grip and shoved the nearly naked Mystique into the ice, holding her there, only her head above the ice and water in the tub. Mystique still had the left arm cuff on, detached from the bed, to keep her from shifting. She was screaming in pain and struggling hard.

"Kurt's coming." Logan entered the room again and dove for Mystique, pushing her legs down before she could get them out again and overturn the tub. She screamed in rage. 

"If you try to pull anything on me, Victor, I will kill you!"

He snorted. "I'll pass on the message, darlin', next I see him."

She kept screaming. Rogue was talking to her, quietly, trying to soothe the frantic woman. Jean touched her face, then shook her head. "Logan, can you get a thermometer into her?"

He laughed. "Maybe. We got one that can hold up to biting?"

"You cannot do that." Mystique nodded, her eyes glowing gold. "You do not have the right. I am the leader of this team!"

He laughed again, and Rogue shot a hurt glance at him. "She doesn't know what she's saying. How can you laugh?"

"How can you not? She's hilarious. We gotta get Mystique feverish more often. She could play the Palace."

Rogue bit off her angry retort as the weary and worn Kurt Wagner nearly bamfed into Jean's instrument tray. His eyes looked glazed, his face had unhealthy shadows, and he stumbled, catching himself on the edge of the tub of ice where Mystique was being submerged. "Was ist…Gott im Himmel!"

Mystique stopped struggling and started crying again. She spoke piteously to Kurt in German, and Kurt, stunned, answered her firmly.

"Got her, Rogue?" Logan released her when Rogue nodded. Rogue got a firm grip and frowned at him.

"What are you doing? Going off to terrorize helpless puppies for your next trick?"

He rounded on her, and she swayed a little as Mystique and Kurt continued their conversation in the background. "Actually, I was gonna get the professor to come help." Was that a tear at the corner of his eye? "And I wanted to give them some privacy. I know German."

He turned and left. Rogue helped Jean lift Mystique from the water, dry her off, and get her back into bed. Mystique was trembling as she spoke, and finally returned to English. "Please, Margali…just one sight of him, then I will leave him alone. I just want to know he is all right."

Kurt sighed. "I'm not Margali, and I'm here, mother. Now, Jean's going to take good care of you, and you can rest. Rest."

"Margali…do not go. Please?" She stretched her hands out to Kurt. "Do not leave me here with Victor and Wolverine and the rest of them. They hate me. Just let me see my son to give me strength. Just once. He loved me once…please?"

Kurt bowed his head, and Jean put some extra covers on and snapped the left arm cuff back into place on the bed. He held her hand and said, "Yes. You can see him."

"Oh, thank you. Thank you. I knew you could not be so hard…thank you…" Rogue left, Kurt stayed, and Jean continued to monitor Mystique while she drifted back into oblivion.


	6. Waiting

From my fevered dreams and nightmares, I awoke again to voices, this time in my room. "She did?"

"Course she did. I was still just a kid, you know. She told all kinds of stories, from fairy tales to stuff she probably did…you know, mutant stories."

I smiled, feeling weak. It was nice of Rogue to be with me, but where was the rest of the Brotherhood? Where was Destiny?

A coughing fit took me, and Rogue turned to look at me. I waved. I had a heavy bracelet on my arm. It made it hard to move. I dropped my arm to the bed. 

"You alright, mama?"

I whispered, hoarsely, "Yes … what happened? Where is Destiny?"

"She … oh, mama … she … can't come see you right now. Here, have some water."

Rogue gave me a cup and I sipped it slowly. I forced my mind to work. Where was I? What was going on?

Slowly my memories came to me. I was in Charles Xavier's headquarters. I had been very sick. Wolverine was very mad at me. The man sitting next to Rogue was called Gambit. I talked too much about Kurt to everyone. I felt embarrassed.

"It's good to see you awake again," Rogue said, lacking her usual cheer. "We didn't know if you'd make it. Your system's been so beaten down…It's good to see you awake again."

My left arm was free. I pointed at Gambit with it. "He does not think so, I would bet."

"You be surprised bettin' on Gambit sometimes, chere." He ruffled up his hair and yawned. "Maybe you wait till you know him better, unless you like losin'."

I cleared my throat. "Am I going to have a chance to?"

There was an uneasy silence, and I shuddered.

"Maybe," Rogue said at last. "You're going to be here for a while. You keep getting infections, and you're not fighting them off very well…" She broke off and hugged me violently. I coughed again, but did my best to hold her. My right arm was too weighed down, though, so I stopped trying to lift it after a few seconds' effort.

I hated to ask, but I felt I should. "How is Kurt?"

Rogue smiled. "Other than overtired, and worried because he couldn't contact his family in Bavaria, he's fine."

He tried to contact the witch? There was something wrong about that, something bad. I tried to speak, but choked on my words.

Rogue handed me another cup of water and I drank it as fast as I could, spilling a little. I tried again. "He should not…do that. She…it is not good to have her know anything."

"Why?" Gambit took Rogue's hand in his.

"I…we…our only meeting was very unpleasant. She did not understand, and I … could not tell her, either. You have to … keep her away from me," I stammered out.

Rogue stroked my face. Her glove was cold, but I endured it. "It's all right. We aren't going to let anyone hurt you."

I shook my head. "Where is Destiny?"

Rogue looked at Gambit, and he shrugged. "Gotta tell her sometime."

She took my hand again and slowly breathed in and out. "Destiny didn't make it, mama. She left us a letter for you, when you were able to read it."

Destiny was gone? I didn't believe it. She would not go, would she? I never had a chance to know, to say some of the things I wanted to…

"Let me see it." I tried to sit up. "I want to see it. Now."

Rogue held me and put some pillows behind me, propping me up. "After you eat something, you can see it. Okay?" She made herself smile at me, then rose to meet Gambit at the door. "I'll be back in a little bit, mama."

I nodded.

I had no energy to cry, to move, to do anything. I was exhausted. I sat for some time in pain, waiting, waiting for Destiny.

Instead, I got the Beast. He walked gracefully into my room and placed the tray across my lap, then put a plate on it. On the plate was a mixed up pile of vegetables, chicken, pasta, and eggs, covered with cheese. He also put two glasses of water and a vase with a plastic rose in it on the tray and bowed. "I believe everything is in order; the casserole is nutritionally balanced, the water is a necessity, and the flower is from Mr. Toynbee, with wishes for a good recovery."

I almost laughed. I was pathetic enough for the Toad to pity me. I sat there and toyed with the fork, unsure whether I should eat the unusual stuff or not.

The furry blue face stared at me. "Is something not to your taste? I assure you, I thoroughly questioned Rogue and checked several tomes devoted to the culinary arts before I prepared your repast."

I blinked and shook my head. I had no idea what all those words he had spouted meant. I could not connect them.

"Then feel free to dine at your leisure. I shall take my leave." He left, whistling, and I poked at the food. It almost made me faint, thinking about eating it. But I did my best.

Despite the odd combination, the stuff was … acceptable. I would not ask for it every night, but it seemed to grow better with each bite I took.

When I was done, I slumped against my pillows. I wanted nothing more than some good sleep, but I had to wait. I had to know what Destiny had to say.


	7. Interlude 2

Dinner was quiet tonight. Cyclops had taken a team to join with Alpha Flight, investigating some new phenomena with the Northern Lights. Kurt and Jean were sleeping, Wolverine was out wandering the grounds, and the professor had started a new project and was unavailable. It fell to Dr. McCoy to prepare something, and after serving Mystique, only Jubilee, Rogue, and Gambit were there to try his new effort.

"It's kinda…different, isn't it?" asked Jubilee, pretending great interest in the huge mess.

Rogue stretched her neck a little. "Thanks for helping, Hank…how was she?"

"I believe I impressed her with my culinary skills. She remained speechless." He cheerily peppered his food, then ate it.

Gambit coughed, to hide his laughter. "I bet she did. Bet she never had food like this before."

The chicken was okay, but the pasta reeked and the tomatoes were utter ick. Jubilee did her best to pick out the chicken bits, but gave it up after a few more minutes. "Uhm, I gotta go. I forgot I was meeting some friends in town later."

"Remember your curfew this time, honey," Rogue called after her. She tried some more of the stuff. It wasn't bad, especially if she didn't look at what she was eating.

Gambit was eating his meal steadily, with the help of some hot sauce he'd been adding.

"Might I inquire as to what your plans are for Mystique, should she recover?" Hank stretched his arms slowly and waited.

Rogue made a small, choked noise and Gambit put an arm around her. She tried to speak, but then turned to Gambit and hugged him tight, hiding her face against his chest. "Chere? Chere? I'm not a…rag doll, oui?"


	8. Date with Destiny

Rogue came into my room and I awoke from my dream. I had seen someone I knew before…who was it? It vanished with her voice.

"I've got the letter here, mama. If you like, I'll stay and read it with you."

I shook my head. "No, Rogue, I need to be alone with Destiny."

She handed me the letter, then gave me an impulsive hug and left. I took a few minutes to recover and started reading.

"My dear friend,

Please don't be angry.

I know you are. I know you think you must be, but please, listen.

I had a vision when Rogue left. Worlds opened up before you, and sparkled. You had a thousand possibilities, from joining the X-men to starting a new life in Alaska to falling to your death from the Empire State Building.

Then you dropped deep into depression. I couldn't pull you out, and you wouldn't listen to me any more. So I sought a vision.

Your possibilities had shrunk to two. Be united with your children again and have a chance to live, or remain where we were and commit suicide.

I had to do what I did. I had to save you, Mystique. We are friends. I couldn't let it all end like this. I knew the rest of the Brotherhood would be okay. The X-men would let them go once they saw we were doing nothing wrong.

Do you know how much I hurt, watching you die a little each day?

Goodbye, dear friend. Remember me a little, with kindness, once you can forgive me.

--Destiny"

I put down the letter, shaking. Oh, Destiny…was I really that bad? Did you need to do this? I did not know what to think. My right hand shook.

My eyes were heavy and hurt. I brushed back a tear or two and she came to me in a golden meadow.

__

Mystique?

--I am here. What happened?--

She chuckled. _I left for a while. I came back to talk to you._

It made sense. –What do we need to say? –

__

Do you forgive me for making you live?

I paused. –I do not know. The children…it is good to see Rogue again.—

__

How is she?

--She seems well. She has someone supporting her.—

__

Good. Pause. _And Kurt? Have you told him anything yet?_

--A little. Not much. I feel I have already spoken far too much about him.—

__

Tell him everything. I dare you. She winked.

--I do not know.—

__

Mystique, afraid of a dare?

I nodded. –All right. I will try.—

__

Good. He comes to wake you. Answer his questions. Heal yourself. Live.

I woke up with a gasp, and I was not alone.


	9. Answering

"Shh, Mystique. It is all right. You are safe." My son bent over me and I laid back down.

"Why are you here?" I asked, fidgeting a little with the covers.

"I had to take your temperature again and check how you were tolerating that strange mess Hank made for you." He touched my forehead. He was warm. "I also wanted to talk…you said some strange things in your fever."

"What did I say?" I remembered almost nothing, other than the cold and being chased, running, running away from…what was I running from?

He perched on the side of my bed and swung his tail over the side. "At first, you pleaded with me to stay with you. Everyone else had gone, you said, and you needed me here with you. You told me not to cry, to help you with our baby."

Oh, no. I did not want to have to deal with this. Maybe Destiny was wrong.

__

Not about this, I'm not, and you know it, whispered slyly in my ear.

"You begged me to stay. Though I was there and did not leave, you sobbed and said I was leaving."

I nodded. "Willi, right?"

"You called me that," he admitted. His tail twitched.

I patted the bed next to me. "Come here and sit." I could only move over a little, and he squashed next to me. I began with the good times. "Your father, Wilhelm, was a good man, and I cared for him. I did not entirely trust him or the village where he lived, either, though, so I did not show him my true form. When I returned to my usual form during the birth, he stayed, unlike the midwife and the other useless clods. But he could not understand…he did not accept you. He almost threw you to me and then told me he was going to go. I asked him to stay, but he broke away and hid up in his study." Tears came with the pain again. "If he had stayed, he might have kept them from us. But he did nothing, nothing as the mob came in and swept us away…useless tears."

He curled up beside me and put an arm around me. "There is more."

I steeled myself and nodded.

"You called me Margali, and begged me to let you see your son."

Oh God…how long ago had that been? Far, far too long. I closed my eyes and began. "Your foster mother must have many good qualities, Kurt, but she has one great flaw. She makes up her mind and she refuses to change it." I held up a hand. "I know. Pot calling kettle, but I believe she is worse than I have ever been. I heard rumors, when you must have been only ten or so, that someone looking like my child might be with a circus. She stopped me before I could get there, and told me to leave you alone, that anyone who tries to murder her child does not deserve to see him." I squeezed my eyes tight. His arms enfolded me, and I had to hold to all my rage to keep from doing nothing but sob. "I…I never begged her to see you. I have…I have seen people like her before…it would have done no good…"

He held me tight and whispered, "I believe you…mother…and I know what you mean about Margali. She decided I had done something awful once and created a Hell for me because of it, rather than trying to discern the truth."

I turned and took the opportunity to hold him, look at him, and kiss his furry cheek. It was harder, now, than when he was first born. But he was still my boy. His fur was still soft, and he was still warm against my body. He gently returned my kiss, and we held each other until the darkness came again.


	10. Interlude 3

He slipped into the room after midnight. The door made a slight squeak as he closed it, and he froze. No one moved.   
  
He let his eyes adjust to the minimal light in the room. He cocked his head. The elf was cuddled around Mystique.   
  
He sighed and sat down hard in a chair. He put a hand over his eyes and heard a whisper. "Why are you here, mein freund?"   
  
Without looking up, Logan replied, "I got my reasons, elf. Why are you here?"   
  
Kurt's eyes gleamed as he looked toward his friend and disentangled himself from his mother. "We had a talk about what her ranting during her fever meant."   
  
Logan reached for a cigar but did not light it, turning it over and over in his hand. He finally grunted, "Well, go on."   
  
"You are interested in knowing more?" Kurt prodded, leaping off the bed.   
  
Logan stuck the unlit cigar in his pocket. "Let's just say I'm willing to let you tell me about it."   
  
Kurt raised an invisible eyebrow, then took a chair near him. "Is it that hard to admit you're curious?"   
  
He closed his eyes and slowly breathed out. "Maybe."   
  
Kurt got comfortable. "There is such a thing as being too quiet, you know." Logan did not give any noticeable reaction. Kurt continued. "She was abandoned by my father when she had me, and that's why the mob nearly killed us. She was begging him to stay and defend us."   
  
Logan was a statue in the dark.   
  
"You left, I think, before she addressed me as Margali and begged me to let her see her son. My dear foster mother apparently sensed her coming to see me when I was only ten, and told her to go away."   
  
Not a sound, not a movement. He might as well have been cast in stone. "Are you listening at all?"   
  
"I got ears." Logan shifted a little. "Anything else?"   
  
"Ach, you are frustrating." Kurt threw his hands into the air. "How can you just sit there?"   
  
"Years of practice, elf. Years of practice." Logan sat and grinned at him as he growled.   
  
"I am going to bed. What are you going to do?" Kurt paused at the door.   
  
"I'll be along soon." Logan remained in his chair, his position essentially unchanged.   
  
Kurt left, sighing, and Logan stayed still for a minute or two, listening, all senses alert. Nothing. He was finally alone with Mystique.   
  
He took a bandanna from his pocket and wiped the tear from his cheek then, folding it a few times and stuffing it back into his pocket. He then walked over to the bed and stood there for a minute or two, looking down. He then knelt and put his mouth an inch from her right ear.   
  
He whispered so quietly that only he and Mystique, were she awake, could hear what he had to say. "I know you've always been my enemy. I don't trust you. I don't know if I ever will. But I heard your pain, and I know it was real. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry that it happened." He waited for a moment, listening to her steady, raspy breathing. "Also, Mystique, I don't hate you any more."   
  
He got up then and moved to the door. He put a hand on it and paused. He said in a normal voice then, "Oh, and you can pretend you were sleeping in the morning, but I know you're awake and heard every word I said." She started, and he chuckled as he left the room.


	11. Concluding

Author's Note: This is the end of this arc, but Mystique's story picks up, and gets more complicated, in "Where I Belong."

Damn him. The arrogant little bastard. Why could I not be some place where no one had the ability to tell whether I was asleep or awake?

I opened my eyes and adjusted my covers. And why did the runt have to get so close and be so kind to me? It confused me. He was my enemy. But I found myself remembering the warmth of his breath against my cheek, his gentle whispers against my ear, and …

No. I was not going to think about that. He was just showing off, telling me he knew I was awake. Better to think about how I felt right now.

My right side was still warm from my son's body. I had awakened when he left my bed to speak with Wolverine. I wished Kurt was still here, his delicate hair brushing my cheek. It felt good to have my son with me again, holding me.

I stretched out my arms. They were not fastened down, but the heavy metal cuffs still tightly clasped my wrists. I felt weak and tired, but less hot than before, and my head felt clear.

Rogue had been so quiet earlier, so diminished. She normally was far more energetic. I frowned. My head had cleared enough that I finally understood why, and I was not happy about it. She thought I was going to die. They all probably thought I was going to die.

Was I? I did not know. I did not think so.

Did I want to?

Oh, now that was the question, was it not? I gave some thought to it. I thought about Destiny's sacrifice, Rogue's shining eyes, and Kurt's loving embrace. I remembered the long time past, the grayness of each day, and the dullness of merely existing. It would be hard to live. Where could I go? What would I do? I was not cut out for ordinary work.

I did not want to live, I knew, if life would be the way it had been before I was brought here. I could not face that awful bleak time again. But I could change things. I would not let that time return. I am Mystique. I do not let things happen to me. I make them happen.

A sly corner of my mind asked _are you certain? Living would be harder, in some ways, than dying. You cannot count on help from anyone once you get better. What will you do? Try to join the X-men?_

I became a little uneasy at the idea of joining them. I did consider it for a few minutes, though. Then I became more uneasy as I realized I was considering it seriously. No. That would not work. They had somehow accepted Rogue, but there was no way they could accept me. I have done too much to ever be trusted by them. Even if some of them could, that would merely split the group, and I did not want to be responsible for that.

__

Then what can you do, Mystique?

I had no answer this time, but not knowing what to do with my life was no reason to end it. I liked the idea of having a thousand different possibilities, a thousand different sparkling paths to follow even if the journey would be hard and lonely, whichever one I chose.

As I sank into sleep again, I decided to fight for life anyway. And I made a vow. I was not going to move to Alaska. I was tired of the chill of winter.


End file.
